Positive Health Online

I ran courses at City Lit and Mary Ward Colleges in Holborn, London based on sampling some of the ideas from Japanese de-cluttering expert Marie Kondo’s 3 million selling book on finding happiness through clearing external and internal clutter. Early on it became clear that not everyone just wants to know how to fold their Tee-shirts or free-up some space.
Often there were deeper problems behind participants reluctance to let new things, people and experiences into their lives.  Clutter is often a symptom rather than a simple behaviour issue.  It causes stress to the to the person with the behaviour, can limit their attention to other things, and can interfere with their sleep.

Some people are hoarders of papers, of clothes, of things attached to memories which they have stubbornly refused to get rid of, even when their rooms seemed to be closing in on them.  Visual clutter competes for our attention, it reduces our focus and ability to get things done, particularly in people with ADHD

Over the six weeks participants learned to identify their individual sticking points and develop insight into what stopped them from letting go of their belongings to achieve their desire to free up some head space. We then then set some decluttering goals to explore over the course.

Marie Kondo says that: “In order to spark your joy it is essential to create a quiet space in which to evaluate your possessions, discover the things that make you happy in life, and those you need to discard.  And then you can pause to find happiness by tidying your mind”.

We Discussed

• Does your environment make you happy?
• Does it spark your joy?
• Imagine you have already made the changes in your environment. Participants then described the scene to the others in the group; 
• Then people listed the important things they wanted to be present in their environment and the things they wanted to let go off.

Environmental Goal Setting 

We started with the easy stuff, discarding things that you are not emotionally attached to, say old unused make-up dotted around the bathroom and hidden in drawers. We worked towards discarding the clutter we hardly notice first before moving on to the things we have an emotional attachment to. Here we are working on loosening the knot that keeps us attached to our personal possessions.

People wanted some really good, personalised strategies they could take away and use so they could feel more confident in themselves and in control of their environment. They also wanted strategies that would equip them to address problems that were on the top of their minds, such as:

Why Can’t I Keep My House in Order? 

Although physical clutter was often a problem when we got down to the nitty-gritty of it the main problem was often an unidentified emotional attachment to the behaviour.  Heavy clutter or an intense need to declutter can signal problems such as depression, anxiety or OCD.

• I want to be able to clear my space which is so full of clothes, papers or memorabilia that there is no space to sit there anymore.

Cluttered environments are often associated with increased cortisol and higher reported stress levels, which can get in the way of dealing with the clear up.

Kondo says “You can’t tidy up if you’ve never learned how to.” 

Most Japanese children are taught how to tidy from an early age and that it is part of a collective responsibility, whereas in Western society this may not always be the case.

Japanese culture puts a heavy emphasis on mindfulness towards the needs of family and the community rather than the individual’s needs, telling children that their clutter affects other people too.

Who Taught You the Process of Tidying Up? 

• How did that person Show you? Did they get angry with you, or shout or did they take time to calmly teach you the progressive steps to tidying?

Then we moved on to how we do ‘tidying-up’.  We began to recognise our own category of tidying behaviour and our apparent blocks to what stopped us from doing things.  

• Too Lazy to do it / Too Busy / Can’t throw away / Can’t put it back

Taking time, we worked in our group to write down what our individual strategies for tidying were and what was blocking us from completion. Behind every block there were memories and beliefs, often painful that we began to move through in order to move on.

“I want to be able to throw away old magazines cuttings from newspapers, cluttered memorabilia.”

Why do I need to keep old bills and receipts that date back 40 years?  People might recognize that these old magazine cuttings and papers from courses were “part of my life, and detailed what I had learned”.  Throwing them away might mean I was no longer that person, my memory may be wiped away and I would no longer see the effort I had put into becoming who I became.

Reasons for inability to clear clutter were sometimes tied to identity.  “I am what I do my knowledge defines me, and so I need to be able to see what I have learned. … that’s why I find it hard to throw papers away/”

“I want to be able to clear my space which is so full of clothes that there is no space to sit there anymore, and I can’t invite people in.”

I need to see my possessions and know what I own, even if they don’t fit me, or I will never wear them. They are mine, I grew up poor and I may have need of them one day, even though they are blocking me from letting people into my life, that’s why I can let go.

Memorabilia is often part of our attachment to the world, our memories and our attachment to children and longing for people and places long gone.  The hoarding may have become so advanced that the children are now grown up and cannot enter or enjoy using that room anymore.  But there is a disconnect in our mind between the effects of our current cluttering behaviour and our memories of the past.

What Stops Us from Doing the Things We Want to Do?

Emotion is how we are wired to survive; it gives us immediate information and tells us what is most important to us. Our emotions tell us what we need.  when we feel hungry we need food when we are lonely and feel disconnected from others we seek comfort, having familiar possessions gives us that feeling of comfort.  But it may also be stopping us from being in the world and connecting to others.  In order to move on in the world we need to face and bravely clear our clutter.

Clearing the Internal Clutter 

Now that we can see the internal clutter we can sit an explore the reasons behind questions arise, such as:

• I need to know why I blow things up in my mind. I need some clarity and insight to tackle things that feel overwhelming to me and exhausting;
• I need to focus more on why I can’t get rid of clothes, face feelings that hurt so much around letting go of stuff and memories and anxiety;
• I need to gain motivation and the courage to face my own resistance and explore the fear.

Strategies for Focusing, Clarifying and Setting Good Outcomes

• Sort by category, not by Location. Have a framework for thinking about outcomes, ask yourself “What is the goal in the actions I am taking right now? Am I moving forward or marking time? What needs to happen for change to happen? What would make things work for me?”
• The ability to build your inner confidence by managing your internal state. Ask yourself, “How much do I want this outcome on a scale of 1 – 10? What will I get if I achieve it? What am I assuming that is stopping me from achieving that goal?

Ask yourself:  Is what I am thinking a ‘Fact’ / ‘possible Fact’ / or a ‘Limiting Assumption’?

It is important to remember past victories and resources we possess and come to new situations armed with these powerful tools.

Dealing with things that are stressful?  Sometimes just ask; “What is a better behaviour to have instead of the one I am running right now? What kind of beliefs may be fuelling my behaviour? What fears do I have over changing my behaviour.  What would help me get the outcome I want?

Further Information

See Marie Kondo’s book The Life Changing Magic of Tidying, on Amazon.

Frances Coombes, is an NLP practitioner and REBT/CBT and EFT therapist.  She has run Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) coaching courses and Rational Emotional Behavioural Thinking (REBT) courses in positive psychologies and wellbeing at Mary Ward Centre in Queen Square and  City Lit Adult Education Centre  in Holborn, London, WC1. She has written books and articles on NLP coaching and motivation strategies. If you are interested in joining an introduction to Clearing Clutter – Tidying your Life on zoom contact admin@francescoombes.com