Positive Health Online

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about identity and the stories we carry about who we are.

We tend to assume that if we can understand why we feel or behave in a certain way, we should then be able to change it.

Sometimes that is true.

But many people understand their patterns extremely well and still find themselves repeating them.

Identity and the Stories we Carry about Who We Are

Imagine Someone Called Rachel

Growing up, Rachel became very good at noticing the emotional atmosphere around her.

If someone was quiet, irritated or withdrawn, she assumed she had done something wrong. She learned to watch people carefully, anticipate what they might need and smooth things over before a situation became uncomfortable.

Over time, this became part of who she was.

As an adult, Rachel understands the pattern. She knows that another person’s mood is not necessarily about her. She knows that disagreement does not mean rejection. She knows that she is not responsible for keeping everyone around her happy.

She has thought about it, talked about it and made sense of where it came from.

And yet, one evening, her partner is unusually quiet.

Almost immediately, something changes inside her.

Her stomach tightens. Her mind begins reviewing the day. She wonders whether she has said something wrong. She becomes more attentive to his tone of voice and starts thinking about what she might do to make things better.

All the things she knows intellectually are still true.

But in that moment, she is not simply remembering an old story.

She has become the version of herself who learned that safety depended upon keeping other people happy.

This is where insight can sometimes reach its limit.

Rachel probably doesn’t need to understand the story more deeply. Nor does she need to tell herself that her thoughts are irrational or try to force the anxiety away.

The more interesting question is:

Who has she become in that moment?

The frightened child?

The peacekeeper?

The person who believes she must fix everything before she can relax?

This is where Energy-Flow Coaching takes a slightly different route.

Rather than immediately trying to change the thought or explore the story further, we begin by changing the relationship with what is happening.

Rachel might notice the tightness in her stomach.

She might become aware of the urge to question her partner, apologise, explain herself or somehow change the atmosphere.

But rather than acting immediately, she pauses.

She feels her feet on the ground. She allows the discomfort to be there. She becomes curious about it without trying to make it disappear.

And she might ask herself:

Can this feeling be here without telling me who I need to become?

Nothing dramatic has happened.

The anxiety may still be present. Her partner may still be quiet.

But Rachel has created a little space between the feeling and her response to it.

She is no longer entirely inside the story.

She can notice the part of her that wants to scan, solve and appease without handing that part complete control.

And in that moment, something begins to update.

Her mind and body receive a different experience:

Someone can be quiet and I do not have to lose myself.

Discomfort can be present and I do not have to fix it immediately.

I can feel uncertain and still remain grounded in who I am now.

This does not mean denying the past or pretending that it had no effect.

The old response developed for a reason. At one time, it may have helped Rachel feel safer, more connected or more in control.

But a pattern that was once protective can continue operating long after the situation that created it has changed.

The aim is not to reject the person we once needed to be.

It is to help that part of us discover that it no longer has to carry the same responsibility.

Sometimes change does not begin by rewriting the story.

It begins when the story is no longer experienced as a definition of who we are.

The past may explain why a pattern developed.

It does not have to keep deciding what happens next.

Something to notice this week

When an old reaction appears, try not to rush into analysing it or getting rid of it.

Pause and ask:

What version of me has appeared in this moment?

Notice what that version of you expects will happen.

Notice what it wants you to do.

Then ask:

Can I allow this reaction to be here without becoming it completely?

You are not trying to force yourself into a more confident or positive identity.

You are simply creating enough space for a different version of you to emerge—one that can acknowledge the old story without continuing to live inside it.

Further Information

Rachel is a fictional character, created to illustrate a pattern I often encounter in my work.

If this resonates and you'd like to explore further, book a clarity session with me here  https://go.oncehub.com/kyledaviesefc